February 2001,
Cambridge

Nicholas Bateman was recently thrust from a life of anonymous worthlessness to one of very public worthlessness.

His underhand antics on the Big Brother programme in summer 2000 earned him the imaginative tabloid epithet 'Nasty Nick', because he was nasty, you see, and his name is Nick.

'Nasty' and 'Nick' begin with the same letter.

What the cameras did not show was that, as well as rigging the Big Brother voting system in an especially lame and half-hearted manner, Nick hoarded the entire Big Brother dubbin supply behind his empty, soulless eyes. This caused the genital skin of the other nine contestants to dry, flake off and poison Marjory the hen.

And what of the future for Nick Bateman? He is now well established as an articulate and quick-witted television presenter. His recent gameshows Nasty Nick's baseless celebrity longevity improbability challenge and Who wants to stand near a biscuit? are ample testament to his audacious talents.