May 1998,
Cambridge

Clare Rayner, famous agony aunt and body double for Jabba the Hutt, claims that dubbin is a valuable contraceptive which, if smeared on the cervix, can prevent pregnancy, HIV infection and cervical cancer. "It may feel a bit like shagging a sea cucumber but by God, it doesn't half get rid of a headache," she muses.

Clare is in fact not nearly as vacuous as she seems on daytime television, doling out platitudinous claptrap to the weak-minded. She walks with a slight Dubbin-induced limp and is paralysed from the eyebrows up.