May 1997,
Cambridge

Presenter of Channel 4's Countdown programme and cult corset-wearer, Richard was spotted pointing like a fool at a tin of neutral dubbin.

Richard says that the secret of his charisma is the extensive use of a cocktail of psychotropic drugs. He soaks his garish raiments in them and sucks them out when off-camera. The yellow stripes in his tie contain LSD.

Richard uses dubbin to prevent painful chafing between his many chins, which can lead to sterility.