March 2000,
Cambridge

Ann Widdecombe: bowl-headed top-heavy Tory dynamo bint. Her detestable opinions and face are made bearable only by the can of dubbin she carries as a distraction to those with the capability of vision or thought.

Lauded throughout the land for her ability to wail inanely like a canary banshee, she uses dubbin divination, an Aztec party trick, to make sure she is absolutely correct about everything. Her use of celibacy (as a pretend family relationship) recently earned her a commendation from the Council of Natural Selection.